I’m ruining any chance of a relationship with JK by alienating him. I’m pushing, pushing, pushing and I know he won’t be able to withstand it. I’m so lost and scared and needy right now. When I need someone the most, I’m pushing everyone away. Why am I back to these behaviors all of a sudden? I’m back to feeling weak and like I need someone to take care of me. This is NOT how I was even a month ago. What is going on? I need to be loved, not want. It’s this hammering, aching need and it’s not being satisfied. I don’t think it ever will. I know it’s unhealthy, but I’d probably date anyone right now as long as they held me all the time, listened to what i had to say, really listened, really loved and really cared. I miss having a home and someone to come home to. The thing that upsets me most, is I don’t think I’ll ever have that again.

I know my recent posts have been whiny, but I just need to get this out, express it. If you don’t want to read it, go find a happier blog for awhile. I’m sorry I’m not as positive as usual. I’m so sorry.

I got this in a forward today, and it really spoke to me. It seemed appropriate to pass it on to all of you, whatever God you worship:

“When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.”

Concentrate on this sentence…..

“The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.”

Something good will happen to you today.  Something that you have been waiting to hear. Someone will call you by phone or will speak to you about something that you were waiting to hear. Pass this on to your friends and family, so that they too may receive this blessing.

Now, you may think me crazy, but I woke up this morning, from a dream, feeling peaceful and like God had told me something I’d been needing to hear. Then, I got into work and read this forward. I know it sounds ludicrous to most, but I felt peaceful this morning, and I feel even more reassured now.

Background Info: My ex, M, & I were having random text conversations about a month ago, trying to make peace with one another. All of a sudden, he stopped. I know it was something I said that triggered it, so I wanted even more to speak with him again, to know that he didn’t hate me. So, three weeks of silence. I’d texted him and emailed him to just please let me know he was ok and that he didn’t hate me. Silence. Then, last week, I did the worst thing a girl could ever do: I called his cell and left a message. That wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t starting crying like a baby half-way through. [He probably thought I was being obsessive, but it was more that I wanted the validation that I wasn’t getting. That’s part of my ptsd.] From that moment on, I just wanted to crawl in a corner and die. Of course, I heard nothing back from him still.

The dream — He suddenly appeared in my dream with a big smile on his face, a mystical aura of golden light surrounding him. He was also on the phone calling me (you know how strange & mixed up dreams can be). His words were nice ones: “How are you?” etc. I hung up the phone, because I didn’t understand why, now, he would call me and act like he hadn’t just avoided me for a month. He called back again, which was when I visually saw him again, kind of floating in front of me. He had a big beautiful smile on his face, and he handed me a bunch of those tall white flowers that grow like weeds in the grass. In the dream, I felt at peace, like he or God was telling me that everything between us was ok, that he still cared about me. I woke up feeling very peaceful and content. Is it dumb that I feel better about it now?

And I pass this bunch of flowers on to you.

13 Abilities I Wish I Had

1. The ability to tap dance in a mixture of milk and water while afflicted with a 103 degree temperature. My hat, er umbrella, is off to you Gene Kelly!

2. I wish I had the any amount of arm strength to lift a dancing hippo sizeable weight (heavier than 2 lbs). I have no arm muscle whatsoever. It’s sad. But look at that alligator go!

3. I wish I had the ability to shower, get dressed, do my hair, and put on makeup all with the touch of a button.

4. I wish my family and I had the skills to stop being dysfunctional and just get along. Can you guess which one I am in the picture?

5. I wish my car would get me to my destination so fast (I’m always behind), that no cops would see it and give me a ticket (like I got last Tues).

6. I wish I had the sweet skills to attract any man (notice I didn’t say boy) I wanted to.

7. I wish I was able to actually carry the weight of the world on my shoulders so that I could take the burden off others.

8. I wish I could still hula hoop. This old broad surely can. Why can’t I?

9. I wish I had the ability to entertain myself with anything lying around the house like I did when I was little.

(Note: This is not me)

10. If I get reincarnated, I’d like the ability to choose my next earthly vessel.

11. I wish I was able to decipher Eddie Vedder’s mumbled lyrics so that I could sing along.

12. I wish smacking someone on the forehead really did heal them, so that I could save everyone from feeling pain.

13. I wish I had the ability to stop time to evaluate a situation. Then, when I’ve figured out the right move, restart time and continue on.

(This missile is stopped in time, in case you can’t tell)

It was exciting to see so many questions from last week. Be sure and ask another question or leave a comment or start a friendly debate if you like. I don’t mind being ejumacated. Hehe. Also, I will ask a bonus questions of you for you to answer on your own blog!

Here I go:

Betty: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
In a perfect world, I would find the person I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with, get married, and have my own house. I’d also like to be making $10,000 more a year. Is that too much to ask?

Leah: What’s your favorite book?
My all-time fave book is “The Westing Game” by Ellen Raskin. Although it’s meant to be a middle reader book, it’s still a good read for adults. Raskin is somewhat Agatha Christie-esque in this book, keeping you guessing “Whodunnit” to the very end. I recommend it to all!

Angela: What are your thoughts on Catholics vs Christians
I am not very opinionated on this matter, but I will give my personal thoughts. Update: I guess I do have a lot of thoughts on it. These are not meant to be judgments, just things I don’t understand. I am happy to be wrong if anyone believes I am.

• I am a Christian, who believes in Jesus, but I believe that we’re all worshipping the same God: Christians, the Jewish, Budhists, etc. I think we all have different interpretations of who God is, but that we’re all worshipping the same one.
• Also, I was a bit taken aback by this question, because I’ve always thought of Catholics as Christians. Still, I have never heard a Catholic person call themselves anything other than “Catholic” so there is that.
• I myself, am not too fond of Catholic masses. I get very bored and I always wonder why it only takes 1 pastor at a Christian church to deliver the sermon, etc, but it takes about 5 people to do it during a Catholic mass. One person to light the candles, one person to read a verse, one person to hold the holy sacrament, etc. And dude (I’ve been wanting to say “dude” all day), the amount of incense they use in European Masses gags me. I’ve performed in masses there before. It actually gave me the giggles, which is hard to hide when you’re sitting up in front of the entire congregation.
• I do not believe what Catholics believe during Communion, that the wine turns to Christ’s blood and that the food is his actual body. I can see the metaphor, but I’ve been told many times by Catholic friends that they believe that the wine and cracker DO BECOME Christ. I have a hard time believing that I’m eating Christ.
• Finally, Catholics pray to Mary and Christians pray to Jesus. I’ve always wondered why we all just don’t pray to God himself. My guess is that we are unworthy as humans to speak directly to him. I don’t think either way is right or wrong. Catholics also have confession where they confess their sins to a priest. I don’t care if you’re a priest or not, every human judges things that they hear. I don’t believe that a person listening to all my sins and saying some hail Mary’s is going to make me right with God and forgiven. I am of the belief (and this probably isn’t Christian of me, since I don’t believe in organized religion necessarily), that what I confess is between me and God and no one else. God is my ultimate judge, and I want to speak directly his way without getting a middle man involved. I believe in the words from the Gospel of Thomas (which the Catholic Church does not recognize as a gospel): “Split a piece of wood, and I am there. Lift up the stone, and you will find me there.” God is inside me and all around me.

*She is now sealing the lid on the can of worms she opened*

A ton more questions are behind the cut: Please read them too so they don’t get lonely. (more…)

1. Work out to Core Rhythms
2. Eat breakfast (had a protein shake - 1 fruit, 1 dairy, 1 protein)
3. Eat lunch (salad w/ mom)
4. Delivery of “new” bookshelf
5. Start putting things on new bookshelf
6. Get Book Mooch books ready for shipping
7. Ship out Book Mooch books
8. Sell items on Ebay (Go take a look!)
9. Visit friend in the hospital
10. Email DMC and chew them out

I know Mother’s Day is Sunday, but I’d like to take a moment to talk about my dad. Dear old dad.

So, I had dinner with my parents tonight, and my mom was saying how she’s upset that I’m so bogged down emotionally, lately — that I already have enough on my plate dealing with myself and my own issues. My dad decided that he was going to second what she said, only in his own words. Here’s what he said:

“You’re like the Starship Enterprise, only not all your shields are working. At your best, they’re only at 80%.” This had me absolutely cracking up! It certainly brought out my mania. It was only something a dad, my dad, would think to say.

Soon I was describing to them how I’ve had bad short-term memory lately. My mom told me to meet her at the bookstore yesterday, and I went to the movie theatre instead. Today, my dentist appt was at 3 and I could have sworn it was 3:20. I have to go back again Monday. Little things like that.

So, after dad’s analogy, I added, “I feel like Uhura only I’m not getting any signal, Captain.” In case you weren’t forced to watch Star Trek like I was, Uhura was the only woman on the bridge, and her only job was to hail other ships and patch them through to the captain.

This is me, trying to get a signal, but failing miserably.

Don’t forget to enter my “Worst Gift Ever” Contest!

And now, I give you my entry for “Trav’s Staying out of the Dungeon Trivia Meme”

Rules:
1. Choose a category from one of these: Television, Stage & Screen, Nightly News, Publishing, Lives & Times, Music
2. Find 8 bits of trivia about your selected category
3. Be sure to let Travis know if you decide to play along.
4. You may tag, or simply offer the meme for borrowing or stealing as you like.

I’m choosing Stage & Screen. Mine are about musicals, both stage and screen (aptly).

1. The Sound of Music: The real Von Trapps
In the movie, the Captain comes off as a strict parent, while Maria is portrayed as carefree and loving. In real life, it was quite the opposite. The children did not want their father to marry the real Maria.

2. Singin’ in the Rain: Screen Version
Gene Kelly had a 103 degree temperature when he danced to the famous title song. Also, in the “Would You” number, Kathy Selden (Debbie Reynolds) is dubbing the voice of Lina Lamont (Jean Hagen) because Lina’s voice is shrill and screechy. However, it’s not Reynolds who’s really speaking, it’s Jean Hagen herself, who actually had a beautiful deep, rich voice. So you have Jean Hagen dubbing Debbie Reynolds dubbing Jean Hagen.

3. Rent: Stage Version
 A member of the Spice Girls, Mel B, played the role of Mimi. Did you know that?

4. She Loves Me: Stage Version
This musical about coworkers who hate each other, yet unbeknownst to them, are corresponding via letters, really do love each other.  Many of you know She Loves Me more popularly as the movie, You’ve Got Mail starring Tom Hanks & Meg Ryan. But did you know that the first movie version, was The Shop Around the Corner starring Jimmy Stewart in 1940? They were all spinoffs of the original play Parfumerie by Hungarian playwright, Miklos Lazlo.

5. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat : Stage & Screen Version
Written by Andrew Lloyd Weber and based on the “Coat of many colors” story of Joseph from the Bible, this show was first presented as a fifteen-minute pop cantata at Colet Court school in London on March 1, 1968. The full-length version of it was first performed in 1972.

6. The Mystery of Edwin Drood: Stage Version
This was originally a book by Charles Dickens. The novel was unfinished at the time of his death, so readers have often speculated as to who was the murderer. The musical version gives the audience a choice of “Who dunnit”. All the actors must memorize the ending song and be ready to perform it if their character is chosen.

7. Phantom of the Opera: Stage Version
In 2007, Andrew Lloyd Webber announced that he was working on a sequel to this entitled, The Phantom of Manhattan. However, according to a report published in the Daily Mail newspaper, a bizarre mishap has delayed the sequel; Lloyd Webber’s cat, Otto, clambered onto the digital Clavinova piano and managed to delete the entire score for Phantom of Manhattan. Lloyd Webber was unable to recover any of it from the instrument.

8. Godspell: Stage Version
This was originally written as a Master’s Thesis project by John-Michael Tebelak at Carnegie Mellon University. The original CMU cast members wrote the music to the songs using hymnal lyrics. When show went on a 2-week tour, producers wanted to take it to Broadway. They hired Stephen Schwartz, an alumnus of CMU, to write a new song score. Only “By My Side” from the original cast show is in the show today.

Tag, you’re it: Caryn, Jen, Kat, Misty, Michi and whoever else wants to play!

I am a pathetic loser. That’s the only thing that comes to mind right now. Pathetic. And he thinks I’m pathetic too.

I was inspired by Momisodes and her worst gift ever post. Her dear husband gave her a tire gauge for Christmas in her stocking. Um? That’s pretty bad. This year, she’s giving him a stick of crazy glue for his birthday. Karma, she says.

So, I decided to host a giveaway this week only 5.5 to 5.9 looking for the worst gift you’ve ever received. Be honest. I will have 3 other “judges” join in to choose the winner. What does the winner get? A *nice* gift from me in the mail. If you’re chosen as the winner, you’ll have to be comfortable giving me your address. I’ll post the winner on Saturday the 10th & email him/her. Just leave your email in the comments section along with your worst gift.

My worst gift ever? From J. One Christmas he actually wrapped up my OWN coat (which I’d lost & didn’t remember where I’d left it) and gave it to me. That was my present. That’s all I’m going to say about that. It needs no explanation.

Well, I spent most of today cleaning and organizing my condo. It’s starting to shape up nicely. Thank all of you for your support. I think a less cluttered living space will make me feel better.

My mom and I went to a little restaurant with a craft store attached to it today. I wanted to get a replacement angel glitter nightlight. My bulb burnt out and I couldn’t replace it. I ended up getting 2 metal music note candle holder, a vintage button ring, a clarinet ornament (I played it for years), and a couple of things for my Chemo Angel. At another store, I bought Jen a birthday gift, because it was too perfect not to buy it for her (her bday isn’t until November!). I won’t say what it is since she reads my site.

J called me last night and we talked for a few minutes. I can see how easy it would be to get sucked back in and start taking his phone calls. But, I can’t and I don’t want to. I am over him and all of that. Starting it back up would be ridiculous.

I think I’m still processing my breakup with M although it ended a year and a half ago. We were together for 4+ years, so I think I’m entitled to still be getting over it. It doesn’t take over my life, but as I make my way through my relationship with JK, things about M start to come up. I of course don’t want to talk about this with JK (even though he reads my site). I also haven’t talked about it with any of my friends. It’s something I am working through inside. Maybe I need to let it out. Maybe I’m afraid to write it out here, because I know JK will read it. I don’t know.